Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in Tsustani (Justin) Storm Mabrey's LiveJournal:

Saturday, December 13th, 2003
9:01 pm	Clash of the minds Triumph of the Id: Last night. And wow, what a night. I have met an extraordinary woman, or rather, came to my senses about the situation with A. Not only can I see what C sees in her, I saw all of her, in her full glory. Quibble of the Superego: This morning. What the hell happens now? What is C going to say? What will A say when I, inevitably, want to have her all to myself? Perhaps the id's victory is a Pyrrhic one. All I know is that it's not going to hold its position or retreat, now that it has achieved ... victory. Current Mood: satisfied (Comment on this)
Monday, December 8th, 2003
1:20 pm	Two birds with one fib Cy and Mac have been putting a lot of pressure on me lately, to make a statement regarding the torus. I know what I believe, and what I ought to say, but somehow every time I see Cy I become totally disinclined to do so. Gee, subconscious, why do you suppose that is? Also, I really think I need someone to talk to who doesn't a) worship me or b) see me as a tool to be wielded for political ends. Just to talk. Yeah, that's it. Well, there's the solution. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Friday, November 21st, 2003
7:33 pm	The A situation I'm on the Zoster ride to I-Hab, and I can't seem to find my stop ... God, you'd think that having an attractive, non-insane Galatsadi woman who actually liked me would make me happy. No, not for our dear hero Storm, apparently. Apparently I'm going to angst and delay and eventually I'm just going to crawl into bed, alone as always. I wish I had met her first. But I didn't, C did, and now I'm stuck with that fact. How can I tell A that everything C touches turns to ash, including me, and her too, in time? She cares about him, just as I once did, and who am I to tell her not to? Then again, hypocrisy has always been one of my 'finer' qualities. I guess I do care about her. I hardly know her, but I care about her all the same. But is it because I truly care about her, or is it the sort of pity you feel for a fly in a spiderweb? I can't sort this all out. I'd love to just ask her out, say, "Hey, A, why don't we see each other on the side? I'm unattached!" But she's not unattached, and doesn't show any inclination to do so, and I owe it at least to C not to betray him. So, like the coward I have been known to be from time to time, I'll sit on the sidelines, play nice with C, and wait to see how things work out with them. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
1:23 pm	I shouldn't have, but I did ... and it's not even what you'd think. I don't use this journal much, mostly because I don't expect anyone will be interested in reading my tripe fifty years hence, but my publicist says that memoirs sell, so who knows? I guess I'm just writing it for myself, just because it's such a bizarre situation that I have to get my thoughts down on paper. About a month ago, C fibbed me to ask for a favour. Since he's my mentor and I owe him all this money still, I couldn't really say no. The favour was that I was to be the pretend boyfriend of A, his mistress, who was coming to Perseity to service him when he needed a break from his wife. Only that's not right. What was actually said was that he would like to do a favour for me, advancing my political career by letting me date his mistress, take her out in public, squelch the various rumours that circulate the newsfeeds regarding my sex life and Stormfront, date a young Cherokee girl to appeal to the homeland folks, and at the same time not have to be in a serious relationship, and he even said I could sleep with her, if I really wanted to. As a side benefit, he pointed out how I'd be helping him too, cause no one would think that someone who was dating the famous Storm could be C's mistress as well. Fuck, I'm an idiot! Why didn't I see that what he was doing was manipulating me just like he does with everyone, making it seem like he's helping you when really you're helping him. I could have found *any* girl to solve my problems; dating A really only solves C's problems, and only incidentally mine. But I agreed, and now here I am in the present ... Last night, took A to Smidgewallop's, which was overrated but palatable. A was stunning as usual, and proved herself not as stupid as I had initially thought (just uneducated and naive, which are correctable). Went out to a vid afterwards, Seemings 23, which I think A agreed to watch just to make me happy; she hadn't seen the first 22, so it was maybe not her thing. Then, again like an idiot, I invited her back to my place for a drink. I was just being polite, but in retrospect it should have been obvious that that would likely lead to sex, which I admit would have been nice, but ... I can't just sleep with this girl. She has no idea what she's gotten herself into with C, and my sleeping with her would just make things worse for both of us. A is sweet, and knows how to use her womanly charms to get to a man (it's hardly a surprise C fell for her), but to be in a relationship with C means a political relationship, one in which he holds power over you, uses you to get what he wants, networks you up with people then uses that network as his personal power base. So he has power over her using the threat of sending her home, as compared to her more limited power of revealing the affair to C's wife. So instead of sleeping with her, I told her a bunch of things I shouldn't, things that constitute a betrayal of C. He has done so much for me, and even when I see why he has done these things, I can't just betray him. Even so ... I told her that I couldn't have sex with her as part of this favour to C (which is what I now see clearly that it is), which would make me a whore, basically. And how he plays these power games, and how I didn't want to get her more involved than necessary in them. How I owe him and his cronies so much money and so much of my station here. I told her to assert her equality in their relationship, which may not work, but at least is worth a shot. God, what if he finds out about this? What if he decides I'm not worth the trouble? I'm just not as clever as he is; I can't see through his ruses and games. I may not be straightforward, but I could never live my life as a manipulative person. And I'm not about to start with A, who is way over her head and maybe is better off just going with the flow. I wish I were smart enough to know how to fix this. Current Mood: moody (Comment on this)